I have a real passion for working with children and young people and have worked with them in many different settings over the years. I just wanted to share some of my reflections and the themes that so often come up as they move through life. These are all themes that are known to most of us, but we can all benefit from taking some time to really see children and YP however we come into contact with them. To remember that they are coping with and holding onto so much too. As parents/carers there are many demands on time both physically, financially and emotionally which can leave little time to slow down and have opportunity to just listen or just be with our children. There is no judgement here as life can be very challenging. Within education the demands to meet targets can sometimes leave little space to give time to the child who doesn’t settle, shouts out or doesn’t sit still. Or the child who seems withdrawn and quiet but doesn’t cause any problems.
From their very earliest days children/YP need to form relationships to survive. They need to be close to others physically and emotionally to ensure that they are cared for – their earliest attachments. As they grow, they need to be able to remain their authentic selves, know their gut feelings and be able to follow them. They need to be seen and accepted for who they are.
This sounds much easier to accomplish than it is. Children are at the centre of their own development, but they are generally part of a larger system e.g. their family. Every member of that family is also developing and impacting the others. When one person goes through a process of change so do the others. Even if children do not experience a setting e.g. the workplace of a parent, they are likely to absorb the feelings that are connected to this place through conversations etc. This is all part of life but sometimes it is easy to forget just how much children/YP are absorbing and to check in with them.
So many things can affect family life – racism, discrimination, illness, domestic abuse, housing, finances, child abuse, substance use and alcohol amongst many others. When families have support with these challenges then there can be positive change but when support is not available then children/YP can feel very isolated, fearful, helpless or ashamed. Just one person who notices that there is something troubling them can begin to make a difference.
Racism and discrimination around sexual orientation, religion, disability, gender identity are hurting our children and YP every day. For those who are affected their stress responses can be at high levels which can have an impact on physical and emotional health. We need to follow our gut feelings even when issues are not raised by children and give them opportunities to open up.
School takes up a huge part of the lives of children and YP and whilst some thrive in the learning community others do not feel at ease due to the difficulties above, amongst others. Some children will avoid school to stay close to a parent they are concerned about or because they are fearful of what happens in their absence from home. They may struggle to cope in the school environment. There can be the additional difficulty for children/YP when they have not learned to trust others or do not find it easy to relate. All children need connection before direction, and it takes lots of time and care to ensure that every child has made a connection and is known. When this doesn’t happen the outcomes can vary from children withdrawing to those that will be seen as disruptive. We need to look beyond the face of the child who is always happy, the child who tries to dominate everyone and the child who seems to not care. Maybe five minutes of 1:1 will allow them to know that someone has noticed and cares enough to take a minute.
Many children have experienced very difficult responses from peers. This can range from physical harm to verbal attacks. We need to be mindful of the effects of gestures, contempt, eye rolls, put downs, voice tone, mocking and eye glares. How others see and treat you can be internalised and children/YP start to believe they are not worthy. If the children who we might see as bullies and bullied are not noticed, then there can be huge life impacts. The child who is needing to be hypervigilant to threats does not have much space for learning and their sense of self takes a big knock. The child who is attacking also needs to be seen and heard to explore what is underlying these actions and prevent them continuing to harm.
Children/YP who need additional support in their learning or additional support for their needs require assurance and security that they are known and understood. That they will not be left to struggle or ashamed to ask for help/support. Feeling helpless to get needs met can continue into later life and risks children/YP not expressing their needs in life and relationships.
Children and YP have a natural need to move regularly and although this is generally possible in their early years it can become less acceptable as they progress through education and need to remain at desks for long periods. As well as movement being important for developing fine and gross motor skills it is how they experience emotions, sensations and release frustration or other held in feelings. Stress can be reduced through movement; focus can improve, and self-awareness develops through moving in the environment. So much happens beyond the spoken word.
As I said at the beginning there is nothing new here, but I think there is always space for us to look at our own beliefs and biases about children and YP and to speak up when we witness racism and discrimination. We can look out for the quiet child, the disruptive child and all the others because unless emotional needs are acknowledged all their hopes and our hopes for them may suffer. We can all talk to the children/YP we are in contact with about these issues and even if they do not seem receptive, they know the door is open when they are ready. Just knowing that someone is available can make all the difference.
We also need to remember the power of believing our children and YP when they do share with us. When you are not believed you are less likely to believe in yourself which can affect how you view the world, how you look after yourself in relationships and whether you follow your dreams!
Just five minutes of your time might be the beginning of change.