As a counsellor taking time for personal development is important so that I am further developing my self-awareness and understanding. One of the subjects which I have recently been exploring further is shame, so I thought I would share some of the exploration.
All our experiences have meaning, and we need to be able to trust them.
We all have insight and power, but it gets buried underneath the views and expectations of others.
When other people witness us being abused or suffering violence, racism, homophobia, bullying or whatever is happening to us and do not believe us or minimise our distress then we can experience shame.
It is painful enough to be treated in this way without being disbelieved or ignored on top of the harm. There are many ways in which this can happen. Children may be told to be strong and not cry following bullying. Every unkind word can add another layer of shame. They may be asked why they did not stand up for themselves, leaving them with feelings of not being strong enough. Losing a friendship can be painful and this needs to be acknowledged for children and young people, rather than shrugged off as something that happens. People in abusive relationships may be asked what they did to cause an incident to happen. There may be denial that another person has caused harm. We might be told that we did not speak up or it was a misunderstanding. What might be seen as insignificant verbal and nonverbal messages and insults can really add up to create more shame in many situations/environments.
We need to be really seen and know that someone trusts what has happened so that we can then trust ourselves. We need to know that we matter. It is not enough for others to offer advice, and this is often unwanted anyway. We need to be really seen, heard and our feelings acknowledged.
When we experience shame due to the responses or lack of response from others, we can question ourselves and begin to believe there is something wrong with us. We might believe the incident did not happen and internalise the views of the person we tried to tell.
It is even more difficult if people have had a lifetime of feeling that something is wrong with them. This may start as frequent criticism, neglect or physical harm in childhood. We can be shamed by parents/carers, peers and staff in education. Gradually a feeling of being unable to trust ourselves sets in. It can feel that we need to do something to change ourselves to prevent the harm rather than recognising that the responsibility lies with the person causing harm. It is not always seen as harm/abuse and there is often blame. We can forget as adults that we have been affected by the wider family, community and culture.
We might decide that our needs are too much even though they are not. When we stop sharing our needs and suppress them there can be a time when we explode and then it is seen that we have an anger issue and there is something wrong with us. Not expressing needs can begin in childhood and continue into relationships. If we are not aware that we are not making our needs known, we can again feel unseen.
However, if we feel supported, we may feel more able to dismiss comments or defend ourselves. We are then less likely to feel that there is something wrong with us or that we don’t matter. Stories need to be heard and witnessed. Children need parents/carers to show them that they are worthy of standing up for themselves and they deserve to be treated well. If this does not happen some children will withdraw and not feel able to make their needs known and not protect themselves.
It can help to find someone who supports you to find meaning behind your difficulties. Someone who can listen to your experiences with care and compassion. You can then name what has happened and be believed. You can defend against unwanted advice and be supported to say no. You can decide who you want to be around you to support you.