Systems.
I’ve been thinking about systems a lot recently. Like many people I have held roles within systems and accessed them personally during my life. Whether this is within Education, Health or Social Care or others there are many ways we can find ourselves affected as individuals by them. When we struggle physically and emotionally, we can forget the wider circles that are impacting on us.
When we are accessing systems, it is easy to see the ‘helpers’ as experts and we may not question advice or guidance that our gut instinct is signalling is not ok for us. The advice may be for us, or it may be for our children, or both. It is so important to remember that we are the real experts in ourselves. Even if due to life experiences or the views of others we may have lost our way. We still deserve our stories to be heard. Maybe the ‘helper’ does not leave space for your views as they have a knowledge which they need to share. Or they are so focused on what led you to need help that they have forgotten to listen for your strengths. Maybe they are so focused on keeping everyone safe that that they have not noticed your abilities. Maybe they don’t see that you are holding together a family system that isn’t working for you but if you let it be seen, you wonder where that will leave you.
When children are within systems, they can feel powerless. They may show that they are not ok through behaviour which may be deemed as unacceptable, but they may struggle to vocalise what it is that is affecting them. Maybe they physically can’t sit still for the time periods needed, their bodies need more natural movement to be able to regulate and focus. Maybe they struggle to learn within the approach which the system provides. Maybe they are overwhelmed by the amount of people around them and do not have the freedom to find some space. Maybe there does not seem a moment to share that they are carrying some big emotions from their main system (home) and this lack of opportunity leads to explosion or withdrawal. Often when other support is identified as being needed children end up listening to their parent /carer sharing their difficulties with a mental health worker which can really impact their sense of self.
When we are the one working in the system, we may have started out with good intentions but over time due to workloads and pressures we don’t feel we can work to our values. This can create inner conflict which just won’t settle but it can seem like there is no way out. It can be difficult to hold on to who we are and still meet the demands of the system we are working in. It can feel as though we are gradually losing parts of ourselves to meet demands.
As I said I have been the ‘helper’ and the ‘helped’ and I am very aware that there are great people in all these systems, but I am also aware that there are people crumbling under the pressures on both sides. It can become difficult to remember who we are outside of the system we are in.
This is obviously a huge subject which is impacted by even bigger systems, but it is important to remember not to internalise everything as your individual problem. Systems are powerful and can really affect how we see ourselves, whether we have roles within them or are accessing them. It can be helpful to take some time to feel into what is happening for you and to remind yourself what your values are. Check in with your beliefs about yourself and others and see which ones are really coming from you. Plan in a few minutes for some relaxing activity and some active movement to keep you in touch with how you are feeling and to take some space for you. Remember who you are outside of all the pressure/demands.
Whilst counselling cannot solve all the issues it can help you to make sense of your process/journey and to make small steps/decisions that support you.