My years of being a parent, working with children in nurseries and schools, community groups and family support has been a real learning curve and continues to be as I work as a counsellor. I do believe that if we can accept that we are learning every day then we would not put such pressure on ourselves to ‘get it right’.
However, there are so many messages out there, on social media, from society, from families and the ‘experts’ telling you how to be the best parent you can. I have facilitated parenting groups, but I feel that a huge part of the support was from parents/carers/guardians feeling safe to share their challenges and their successes without judgement or being directed.
We are all constantly changing and developing, whether adult or child, in relation to whatever is happening around us and who we are in connection with. Many difficulties can arise due to changes in a family. This might be the baby who moves into toddler and creates a whole new set of needs. It might be the teenager who wants more autonomy, and you still want to keep them safe.
I wanted to share some ideas which have seemed to be supportive for parents /carers and children as they develop and are being impacted by everything around them.
In the midst of everything you are juggling as a parent/carer it can feel necessary to focus on getting stuff done and getting through the daily routine. But if you can slow down and meet children/YP where they are at in any moment it can give an insight into how they might be feeling. An example might be that you are feeling stressed because you are repeatedly telling them to get ready for school. However, for them they have something they are really dreading today and if this could just be heard and the feelings accepted (even if it can’t be changed) it can make all the difference. Children and YP don’t always need answers. They just simply want to feel understood. It also keeps your relationship closer and reduces the chances of them finding other less helpful ways to cope.
Sometimes children and YP will reject support for many reasons, but they will not forget that you are offering it.
It is not easy to navigate as there can be pressure from schools and other systems for your children/YP to conform to their expectations and it can feel that you need to show the outside world that you are ‘good enough’. However, your relationship with your child/YP is more important and is the foundation for everything else. If you have earlier life experiences of not feeling ‘good enough’ this can bring up feelings for you.
Finding time to be playful and curious about how your child/YP experiences the world shows that you are interested and that you really want to know. It shows that they matter, and they sense the connection. Again, this might mean slowing down and taking time to really listen, even if just for a few minutes.
When things go wrong as they will it is important not to shame your child/YP as this just leads to them not accepting themselves and hiding less positive behaviours. This doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss issues or put in guidance and boundaries, but your child/YP still needs to feel accepted and that there can be repair in the relationship. When things get heated, and you realise that you have not responded how you wanted to, there is always an opportunity to revisit and share this. It is a good way to model how to relate when things go wrong.
Children need to know that they do not need to do anything different or be anyone different to be loved by you. They need to feel there are no conditions to being loved.
When your child/YP is raging, frightened, despairing there is not always a need to solve anything or rescue them. Simply doing your best to empathise can be enough. Children need to feel safe to be vulnerable. Strong feelings can arise in you when your child/YP is experiencing distress. This might be due to your own unprocessed feelings or because you are at your own limit with what you can manage. It is absolutely ok to take some time for yourself as long as your child/YP is aware that they are not to blame. It is great if you have someone that you trust to share how you are really feeling so that you can be heard and understood too.
I have experienced much parenting advice which relies on reward and consequences. Whilst this may help in the short term it can take away a child’s natural intrinsic motivation to be close to a parent/carer. It also misses the feelings which exist with the behaviour and when these get pushed down, they can create difficulty over time because they are still down there!
It is also important to remember that parenting does not happen in isolation. We are all affected by the context we are in, whether it’s our social circle, our family culture or struggles with money.
It can help to remind yourself that all behaviours are communicating or responding to something or someone in the environment and there might be a need for stuff to be expressed. This might be through play, music, movement or creative activity. There does not need to be an agenda or an end result. Just a great process.
Appreciate children/YP for who they are so that they can show you all sides of themselves and that you ‘get’ them. ‘Children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are’. Gordon Neufeld.
Childhood and teenage years are a time when emotional patterns and beliefs about self develop. These set the foundation for how children form future relationships, handles life stresses, feel a sense of security and trust in the world and become their authentic selves.
We are all doing the best we can with what we have and what we know at any one time. We can make changes at any time! If you would like some space to explore being a parent/ carer, your child/YP might benefit from a space or you would like to bring your child/YP into a session with you please get in touch.