Pregnancy and the birth of a new baby are often seen as times of great excitement and joy. However, there are many other feelings and emotions which can be a part of this life stage which may be more difficult to accept within ourselves. I have personal experience of being diagnosed with PND after pregnancies where I had been so excited about my new babies. Over time I have reflected on how I might have been supported through having a space to feel safe enough to share just how scared and uncertain of myself I felt at this time. I needed someone to understand my reality and validate the feelings that were coming up for me. In hindsight these worries were perfectly understandable as a new mum but I felt some shame that I thought I could not cope as well as other parents so I tried to suppress my feelings until I couldn’t and became very low. I was given medication but very little time to talk.
Everyone will have very different experiences of pregnancy and birth and I have reflected on some of the issues which can arise in the hope that there can be more open conversations for us all.
Hearing the heartbeat and the first movements of baby can be incredibly exciting and/or incredibly scary. For me watching my bump grow was amazing and I wanted to show the world. However, for some mums this can bring up many feelings about their body and losing control.
There can be huge feelings of responsibility around keeping a baby safe. If your environment has not been or is not currently safe e.g. due to abusive relationships this adds another layer of worry to this time.
Once hospital checks begin there can be a feeling of safety if care experiences are positive. Or there can be a feeling of powerlessness as decisions about parents and baby are made. Even with the best care routine examinations can bring up fears and past traumas. If it has been difficult to be heard during childhood and adult life this can be a time when some support is needed to ensure that you can ask the questions you need to ask and make a birth plan that is right for you.
Experiences of birth are so diverse and whilst for many it is amazing there are many others for whom it is a scary time and where again a loss of control of your body can be felt. If there have been traumas in life, e.g. sexual abuse, then giving birth can bring feelings and bodily responses which may be very frightening although there may not be a conscious understanding of why this is happening. If you had hopes for a natural birth and medical intervention is needed there can be feelings of loss and grief for your hopes and plans. There can be feelings of not being able to manage ‘a normal experience’.
The excitement of visitors clamoring to see the new baby can be overwhelming. Whilst you may be feeling love and pride you might have a real need for quiet time to get to know your new baby or to process the huge life event that has just occurred. There may be feelings of needing to put on a smiling face when all you really want is to cry and sleep. Some describe this as ‘the mask of motherhood’.
Research shows that breastfeeding is best for babies but if this is challenging there can be real feelings of not being good enough and not being able to provide your baby with the best. Information may have been heard around the importance of early attachment and then if you do not feel a rush of love this can again lead to feelings of not being a good enough parent. Family/ cultural beliefs around being a parent may not fit with your own beliefs and this can cause upset. Family members who ‘know best’ can impact on your sense of self-worth and perceived ability. Bodily feelings of anxiety/distress if not expressed and processed can leave your nervous system in survival mode. This can lead to a bodily state of exhaustion and a feeling of retreating from those around you.
If there is not a trusting person to hear your fears, then overwhelm can set in and you can feel separated from life outside. Some people can feel terrified about their feelings and responsibilities. There can be feelings of loss for life before being a parent and the lack of freedom going forward. These feelings will all have meaning and if they can be shared and understood without judgement then you can start to integrate them. Sometimes people around you will try to help you to see the positives but this can be difficult if you have not been able to share feelings and thoughts which you may view as too negative to be heard.
In my experience of sharing that I felt extremely low and ‘not good enough’ I was quickly assessed to be needing anti-depressants but not offered any talking therapy. Whilst I understand that medication can be helpful in some circumstances my strong feelings are that we need to understand and hear the emotional distress, personal history and social context around the family. We need to listen out for what support is or is not available for you. There is a need to feel cared for, heard and understood, help you to feel safe in your body and to not feel personal power has been taken away. Being a parent is a time of adjustment and I believe with the right support parents can find their own way. Time needs to be given to assimilate the role of being a parent into whatever was your previous identity. Your feelings around pregnancy and after birth are not separate from the rest of your life. There needs to be time to integrate your old life into your new life. Giving birth itself can be traumatic, and your story needs to be heard so that you can understand yourself. There can be personal development and a turning point in this time if there is space to explore feelings.
Counselling may help you to find your way in this new life stage and to find your strength and capacity for change amongst the challenges. You can take time to listen to what your body is saying and can be trusted to find your own way. It might feel risky to share thoughts which you have suppressed but being a parent is a learning curve where you gradually gain confidence in being you. You might want to explore the roots of your problems or just focus on what works now for you and your baby without judgement around your parenting choices. You will get there together!